My Tiniest Sunshine
An Early Miscarriage Story of Faith, Waiting, and Surrender:
2022- I have a story to tell. Not sure if it's a good one as I can’t figure out where to start it and haven’t the slightest clue how it will end. That’s how you know it will be a life filled story because life is tricky like that. Beginnings and endings are often full of mystery and so much happens in that time in-between. I find myself there today, in that waiting zone.
Patience and waiting don’t come naturally to me, although I don’t think this quality makes me remarkably unique. My small girls seem to have followed in my footsteps and I imagine we are making little headway when I yell, “BE PATIENT!” Ironically, it took far too long for the irony of that statement to settle in on me. We are all just doing the best we can.
Well this particular story is about trios. A lot is said about three, “Three’s a crowd” and also “Third times the charm.” It feels almost like a gamble. The one that will make all the difference, but possibly the one that will cause all the change. We’ve gone back and forth when considering three. Not a matter of if, but a matter of when. What will it change and when will we be ready? Three will outnumber us. More of them than us. Will it make us better or will we break? Will time make us stronger, more prepared, more durable? Like I said… three's a gamble.
I suppose in many ways they all are, one, two, three…easier said than done. Blessings upon blessings upon blessings, but not without their rough edges and is anyone ever truly ready? But, it happened rather suddenly. Less thought & more F.O.M.O. One pregnancy. Two pregnancy. Will there be three?
A trio of cousins is a sweet dream. I would be lying if I didn’t say there was a carefully crafted life plan. Meticulous and thought out. The kind that takes into consideration the age you will be an empty nester and the companions you will have on field trips. I know, I’m a real hoot. I can’t help myself, planning relaxes me and excites me and can also be my demise. But really, that's all it took. The third pregnancy that would make a pair of cousins a trio. An experience to walk through together, because it is so much better than going at it alone. A dream that quickly became a reality.
You know I’m not patient, but it isn’t only in the rough patches, but also those joyous places. The ones so sweet your heart feels like bubbling over. The times that you squeal with delight in the anticipation of something wonderful.
This is your story, my tiniest sunshine.
Daddy tries to put me on restrictions when it comes to pregnancy tests. I can’t help myself, they call to me and I feel as though I might die from the anticipation. There may be many no’s, but it's the magic of the yes that makes them all worth it. You got the fancy one. The one that spelled you out for me…pregnant.
I always cry. A beautiful moment where the Lord entrusts me with the sweetest gift to house and to love. Daddy’s reactions are never dramatic, but his love is deep and true. How lucky to be a poppyseed as loved as you. One by one, I called everyone I knew. I whooped and introduced the newest addition that would make a cousin trio as well as a Wray trio of our very own. We even broke out that “Super Fun Sister” shirt so your family could laugh at what they called a failed announcement. When you announce the day you discover a baby, the planning is weak and instead of big sister, you settle with the in stock “super fun sister” but that's another story for another day. We knew the drill with you, not newbies anymore.
Yet, perhaps you aren’t really one to play by the rules.
I picture you as a boy, but that means very little since I pictured your two sisters the same way. I am convinced I lack that maternal “instinct” said to be buried deep within. At my 8 week appointment, you were barely recognizable. No heartbeat and no more than 6 weeks old in measurements. Nothing really checks out. I’ve known about you for 4 weeks and yet here you are a mere 6 weeks old. My levels are increasing, but not doubling and nobody can hear your heart.
My tiny sunshine I ache for you. So small, so loved, so wanted, so prayed over. We were told to come back in a week for more answers, but I knew the outcome looked bleak. It didn’t help that my entire family left for a week-long cross country trip the next day. Loneliness. Guilt. The question we wrestled over regarding three was long gone and in its place a resolution that two was not enough. The story incomplete without you in the one month since you made yourself known.
These are the stories I run from. I don’t want to hear them, lest they become a reality. I don’t want to live them, for fear they will be the end of me. I don’t want to walk them because they always end up being a long road. But, sometimes we don’t have a choice and this time it was the only road that led to you.
Perspective is always a choice. I believe you were created with a plan and purpose. I feel like I lost my purpose when I found out I might lose you. I’m not really sure how it happened so fast. You were an idea, a decision, a choice to be made, and then you were there and we wanted you forever. So concrete, the idea of a life without you spins me. I feel like a waste. A wasted opportunity. A wasted dream. A failure to keep you alive, but that was never my job sweet one. Here are the truths you are teaching me:
I was created and formed by the same God who knows all of the details about you. He planned you. He formed you. You exist and He doesn’t create without purpose. He is good. I used to wonder about that every time something didn’t go as planned, but my soul knows the truth this time. My circumstances are hard, but my God is good.
My tiniest sunshine, there is no one I would feel more comfortable with raising you than Jesus Himself. You will flourish in heaven and you will learn love from the source itself. You won’t ever experience the pain I’m feeling and darkness will be a foreign concept to you. You will want for nothing in the presence of the Savior. I wanted you, but you were never mine so much as you were His and He will take care of me too.
The loneliness of the loss of you felt like it was going to swallow me whole as my family flew away, but my God is a seeing God. You have shown me the power of community in places I never expected. Flowers have never smelled so fragrant or donuts tasted so sweet. Lord, you prompted your people and they have tended to me in the most overwhelming way. Dinners, babysitting, flowers, texts, prayers, books, and treats. In what I expected to be my loneliest week you held me in the palm of your hand. You are so gracious to me Jesus and you will be gracious to my baby.
When my Finney grew in my belly I learned that she could hear me when I sing and perhaps choosing a song to sing as she grew on the inside would calm her on the outside. I sang “Praise God from whom all Blessings Flow” and “Sunshine” all the time. I did the same for Addie and planned to do the same for you. When I sing to them before bedtime, I sing to you.
Finney wasn’t supposed to know about you, not yet at least. But she’s a clever thing and I’ve looked pregnant since the day I found out about you. She sees Auntie Gige and Auntie Em and has been begging for a new baby in our family too. She overheard me talking to Mimi and said, “Do you have a baby in your belly?” You seemed so solid and final at that time I couldn’t help telling her anything other than yes. She screamed, “WHOO-HOO!” Like I said, so very loved little poppyseed. The day after I learned you might be leaving us, she asked me to sing “Sunshine”. I sang over all of you as I brushed her piggies with tears streaming down my face. She finished for me. I’ve called you sunshine ever since.
So…Sunshine, I thought your story was over, but like I said, your life doesn’t belong to me. Today marked that one week point. You are a week bigger. 6 weeks 6 days. No heartbeat.
I can’t help believing that we’ve stumbled on a miracle. I am so sure that there is something enormously special about your life, but feel so humbled and inadequate to be the one chosen to mother you. Maybe it is only for one week more, but I’m going to cherish you. There are so many pieces of me that beg to pull away and distance myself from the thought of you, like embracing you once more will make the loss all the more devastating, but here you are. For as long as the Lord is entrusting you to me, I will love you my sunshine. I pray you and your sisters love the Lord with every piece of your soul. Honor Him for He is Your God.
I am speaking in almost a week’s time before a giant assembly of women at our church and telling them about the goodness of God. I had a fear that having a sonogram so close to this talk would be the reason I would lose you. Superstition, that has tempted me greatly to believe. But, the truth is, Sunshine, My God is good and He is God and you are His. He has a plan that I don’t understand, but am choosing to trust. For that reason, I will wait. Daily surrendering to the unknown and laying all unbeliefs at the feet of Jesus. I am tempted to feel foolish and guilty if you live and bereft if you die, but the truth is that the Lord will sustain you and I in either outcome. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. -(Job 1:21)
