Breadcrumbs
A Christian Miscarriage Story of Loss, Lies, and the Goodness of God:
I recently asked the Lord for breadcrumbs. Noteworthy breadcrumbs to remind me of His faithfulness and goodness in my day to day life. Some seasons those Truths seem to be abundantly apparent and in other seasons you find yourself praying for crumbs. Thankfully, I serve a generous God and although I didn’t recognize it right away, He gave me so much more than crumbs.
Truth be told, my life is overflowing with the goodness of the Lord, I just had to have the eyes to see it. He revealed himself in the long cuddles and soft pats of my one year old. On the hardest days, He was there in my two year old telling me, “Its okay mama, you’re safe” in a short elevator ride. He was behind the surprise letter from a former student telling me about his growing faith in Jesus. A reminder that God was faithfully working in my first grade class all those years ago, just as He is faithfully working today. He showed me the beauty and power of His church. I got to see the hands of Christ showering my family with meals, laundry, texts, and treats. He cared for me through my husband and family and friends as they shouldered life’s many responsibilities to give me rest. He reminded me that He sees me.
There are two sides to every story, making perspective a rather key player in each and every day. A few months ago I began writing a talk about the goodness of God. Ironically, the week I was scheduled to give that talk three separate times, I received confirmation that we had lost our baby. I should have been 10 weeks into my pregnancy. Through the power of Jesus, and Him alone, I was able to stand and speak of God’s goodness all the while waiting on a miscarriage because I chose to believe that my circumstances have no bearing on the character of my God. There has been a whole lot of speaking Scripture out loud over all the temptations to believe otherwise, but the beautiful thing about Scripture being God Breathed is its ability to fight our battles for us.
“ All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good
work. ”
It was a series of bad weeks and it sure seemed like everything was going wrong. My doctor couldn’t come to a conclusion regarding the baby’s viability so we delicately straddled the line between grief and hope. That same week I found out that we might be losing the baby, my parents & siblings were out of town. I lost a diamond in my wedding ring along with my Finn charm on my kids’ initials necklace. I could feel the attack all around me, especially in places of fear. It was as if losing the jewelry was a sign that my marriage or my other kids were also in danger. There was a constant nagging in my soul about whether God was who He says He is and whether or not I would be able to speak about the goodness of God. In places of grief or stress, I have found that I have to be very intentional about taking my thoughts captive. These were lies. The enemy has always been crafty and is quick to whisper untruths in vulnerable places. Fear is often my personal place of weakness, but I know that the Lord does not give me a spirit of fear.
“For God gave us spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control.”
Even if you find yourself unable to really believe the Truths you are speaking, say them out loud. Let the Word of God, which is alive and active , work on your behalf. The enemy cannot stand against it.
“For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joitns and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”
Life is always full of options. Choices we get to make about what we are going to believe & how we are going to respond. Unfortunately, we can’t always control our circumstances, but my God is faithful and will meet me in the suffering. He is in control and He is trustworthy.
"For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” -Romans 10:13
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
The following week they confirmed that the baby had passed and I spoke at church about God’s goodness three separate times. The day after I finished speaking, I began miscarrying and my entire family got really sick. Yet, even there my God remained faithful and I was able to witness the beauty of the community the Lord surrounds us with and the power of His strength in my weakness.
I've had very little to offer my people these past few weeks. Unfortunately, when mama’s not okay, ain’t nobody okay. My family was unsettled. Finn started waking up countless times throughout the night and continually asking me if I was okay throughout the day. I struggled with that. But, I was taught that it’s okay to not be okay. My family of four got to experience the gift of caring for one another in the valley and we will wait expectantly as the Lord makes it a place of springs because we serve a God who can make beauty from ashes.
““Blessed are those whose strength is in You, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. As they go through the Valley of Baca (tears) they make it a places of springs...”
We give each of our babies a life verse and Revelations 4:8 was what we chose for our sunshine baby. While this baby’s life was short, I still know it had purpose. My God doesn’t waste anything and one day through the power of Jesus Christ we will be reunited.
“HOLY, HOLY, HOLY is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.”
I’m not sure where you are today, but if you find yourself in the valley, ask for breadcrumbs because we serve a generous God.
