Grief
A Christian Grief Journey Through Loss, Life, and the Love of God:
Grief is weird. The planner in me can't stand its unpredictable nature and the optimist in me loathes what can be predicted about it. When it hits, there's no running. Though you may feel like doing exactly that, it has a way of following you wherever you go. And from that very moment, whenever it may be, you begin walking a hard road for an undetermined amount of time with the guarantee of pain as a steady companion.
Yet, to simplify grief with such casual terms would do her a disservice. For while I detest pain, anger, and deep sadness, I have come to notice sweet things hidden deep within grief’s prickly surface. Underneath that unbecoming exterior is the substance that truly has the power to change a person, for the better or for the worse.
Grief is being at home, surrounded by your favorite people who dropped everything just to sit with you. Its treats left on the doorstep, cards in the mail, and the scent of flowers in the home. It's crying yourself to sleep and starting the morning with a dance party. Its long talks about how many cribs Jesus must have and explaining deep truths with a well known audio adrenaline song. Grief is makeup and donning your tallest stilettos to go sign the tragic paperwork awaiting you. It’s quickly regretting that decision after a mile in the parking lot and 3 flights of stairs. Its cherishing the opportunities to hold your husband's hand and treasuring the way your small girls are trying their hardest just to make you laugh. And yet grief is sobbing at the sight of perished cheese left out overnight on the counter.
Grief is catching a glimpse of the beauty of community and the way God prompts His people to pray over your family. It's experiencing the love of a Father who grieves with me, prays for me, and covers me with His peace all the while speaking Truths over my mind. It's coming to an understanding that prayer and scripture are not cliches. It's listening to the whispers of my Maker speaking gently that He holds my baby in His hand so that I can take the next necessary steps.
There is sweetness and even joy tucked into the depths of grief. My Jesus grieved and He grieves for me now, but He has made a way where there was no way. This is temporary. My grief will not consume me because my Savior has written hope over the entirety of my existence.
The Lord gave and the Lord took away. Blessed be the name of my Lord.
“Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came form my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed by the name of the Lord.”
There are many things I miss about my younger self, but I was asked recently to consider what I love about my older self. I don’t look like I used to and my story has many more cracks than hers did, but grief and life and Jesus have done a number on my character. I like who I am more today. I can navigate grief better today. I love my Jesus more today. I appreciate life more today.
Life is lovely and life is grief. I know this road will be long and I know I have to walk it, but I also know that its my last year in my 20’s, it will wrap up my first decade of marriage, and its the only year my tiny girls will be this age. There’s a lot of life to be lived in that year. Its a year I want to show up for. Its a summer of swimming, and BBQs, and day trips. And for that reason, I will weep in the car with my bestie and laugh at the shenanigans taking place at the dinner table. Because this is life, and I’m here for it.
“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”
—The life verse we chose for our little Lou.
